A layman thinks; conflicts are unpleasant and should avoid. People believe that a good relationship is one where there are no conflicts. But the truth is that vessels are bound to collide collectively. I do hold a similar opinion as a professional Marriage Counsellor. In each marriage/relationship, elements of conflicts or disagreement appear from time to time. The conflict occurs when an action by spouse blocks, intercepts or barricades the actions of another person. Conflicts sometimes lead to divorce, separation, stress, psychological issues, violence and on and on. Research says failure to handle conflicts constructively leads towards the destruction of marriage/relationship.

We all have experienced conflicts of different altitudes and relevance. Even have observed that sometimes we end up being stuck in the same whereas someone else with the same problem can resolve similar issues much better than us. The difference we all have from others is the level of conflict resolution techniques or problem-solving skills. The outlook people pertain towards problems is much different from others. We all have our style or strategy that usually applies in conflicted situations. People often try different approaches like Flight, Fight and Freeze on discrete occasions to resolve conflicts. The following five propositions will help us gain a perspective and an understanding of our Conflict Resolution Style or Strategy. They include:

  • The Owl Strategy or Style (Cooperating/Collaborating)

An individual who applies this approach views a problem with an idea to solve it. They always attempt to resolve the conflict and are ready to make adjustments to achieve it. They would explain their viewpoint when it comes to an issue and simultaneously holds the ability to understand and perceive another person’s point of view. They are willing to learn from each other to grow as a person.

The Owl represents wisdom and agility to face the situation well and develops mutuality and adjustment. We prefer a resolution where everybody’s needs assimilate or give heed. We seek an outcome where everyone is in a Win-Win situation; I win- You win. Such a person can respectfully be assertive and open and need not be afraid to stand up for themselves and others. 

If a person has this style, it indicates that the marriage/relationship is based on give and take.

  • The Shark Strategy or Style (Forcing/Competing/Attacking)

An individual who applies this approach perceives conflict as competition. They can only look at a situation in two ways; if one wins, the other loses. They have a more forcing style of dealing with a conflict and would aim only for their needs. They are competitive. This style goes more for an ‘I Win – You Lose’ choice.

The Shark is aggressive, so try to win by attacking and overpowering another person. The communication style here comes across as intimidating and aggressive. You end up getting what you need but end up having damaged or destroyed relationships. The other person may get upset, and even if they do not share likely to hold a grudge against it and will rankle. This approach can be counterproductive.

If a person has this style, it indicates that neither a person is interested in marriage/relationship nor in knowing the goals, needs and expectations of another.

  • The Fox Strategy or Style (Compromising/Manipulative)

An individual who applies this approach uses a compromising style to deal with conflict. They believe both parties should compromise. They believe in meeting halfway to ensure that the relationship remains unharmed. They are eager to deal with the conflicts and look for ways by which they can solve the issue to satisfy all. This style goes more for an ‘I Win Some – You Win Some & I Lose Some’ choice.

As fox is cunning so already knows conflict cannot be solved unless there is a compromise and both parties have a mutual understanding of a decision. A person is too focused on finding a solution that the communication style ends up being pretty shallow. The conflict is only superficially resolved. It’s a way to defuse the present situation and will change ways to gain interest as required. People manipulate others to achieve goals and are not interested in uncomplicated relationships and intimacy.

If a person has this style, it indicates relationships, goals, needs, and expectations are prime along with others in a manipulative way.

  • Teddy Bear Strategy or Style (Accommodating/Smoothing over

An individual who applies this approach has an accommodating style. When a conflict arises, they view conflicts as something adverse that needs to remit peacefully as soon as possible. The conflict distresses them to a great extent. Hence, they would do anything within their knowledge and power to resolve the concern. They would give in rather than not address their needs to resolve the conflict. Here they only end up catering to the needs of others. This style goes more for a ‘You Win – I Lose’ choice.

The Teddy Bear is a baby bear, lovable and would like everyone to love. They don’t wish to bother others. People think of them as people pleasers. They do not engage in painful and difficult conversations with others. The relationships in their lives remain intact but only on the surface. In the long term, they end up resenting themselves and their Self-Esteem. They may feel like a doormat and think people only use them due to their inability to tell others what is important to them. This style is harmful to their well-being.

If a person has this style indicates that marriage/ relationship is supreme but does not want to hurt people and is scared of getting hurt. They give up their goals, feelings, expectations, and opinions and let others have what they want.

  • The Turtle Strategy or Style (Avoiding/Withdrawal)

An individual who applies this approach has an avoiding style when approaching a conflict to resolve them. They do not want to end up walking away, withdrawing or delaying. This style goes more for an ‘I Lose – You Lose’ choice. They do not express their needs nor discuss the needs of others.

The Turtle withdraws into its shell in a threatening situation like a stone matter not; what happens outside does not come out. This resolution style ends up frustrating others. The relationships here are shallow and are on the verge of a breakdown. They are aware that avoiding the conflict will not make the conflict magically disappear, but at the same time unwilling to take action. This approach is a disadvantage for everyone involved.

If a person has this style, it indicates that marriage/ relationship is not prime to them. Neither have they communicated with others nor liked others to approach them. For them, goals, feelings, and expectations are not foremost. They don’t express their own needs and expectations and don’t want to know the needs and expectations of others.

As all styles or strategies are applicable, people use them according to their circumstances. People may see themselves in more than one of these styles. Identifying a person may be able to better or change aspects of ourselves that are required. A person has to understand the best style to choose to strengthen marriage/relationship and grow further in life.

Dr Nisha Khanna is a Certified and trained Relationship/Marriage Counselor who offers online, telephonically and face-to-face Counselling Services. If you are in Delhi, India or any other part of the World, you can approach us through any of these mediums. For details, visit Bye Tense, or call us at +91-9312730331